On Friday I tried for hours to write this article. I glanced at my notes on various topics, surfed on over to Flickr for some photo love, leafed through books for inspiration. But nothing. Nada.
So when it came time to meet Jeffrey Van Dyk by phone I was of two minds. Happy to put down my laptop, yet concerned about having enough time to write an article. Looking forward to showing up human-to-human and also feeling pretty vulnerable. (Does that make four minds?)
Friday’s call was my first meeting with Jeffrey. I knew it would be natural and desirable to share with each other a bit about who we are and what we do. And on Friday I did’t know how to answer those questions.
Oh, I was able to tell him that I’m a coach and a teacher of authentic, conscious business. I said that I free people from the spiritual and psychological misunderstandings that keep them from growing healthy businesses.
And that’s all true.
But what is also true is that on another level, I don’t know who I am or what I do. I’m in the midst of a re-visioning, a re-encounter with myself and my work.
You could say that I’m in the gestation phase of transformation, the darkness before the sprout breaks ground. The seed is there, but I don’t know quite how this particular flowering wants to look.
It’s okay to not-know, but is it okay to say it out loud?
I know that it is okay and even necessary to be in the dark, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to share it with Jeffrey. If I did, would he try to coach me toward a bold declaration? Ask questions to help clarify my brand? Would he–ugh–query me about my life purpose?
Would he think that someone who has been around as long as I have ought to have it more together?
I did tell Jeffrey what’s going on and he was a prince (not to be confused with my husband, The Charming Prince). He didn’t probe. He didn’t roll his eyes. He just listened and got it.
Why am I telling you this?
I’m telling you this because someday (today?) you might be trying and failing to grok who you are and what you do. And while I believe and teach that it is important for you and your business to be able to answer those questions, I also know that sometimes you just can’t.
And when that happens, you need to be okay with not knowing.
Not knowing is not passive!
There’s a pitfall on the not knowing path, and that is the temptation to passivity or retreat. It can be tempting to cave in on yourself. To collapse the distinction between not knowing and not being able to function.
When you cave in on yourself, you abdicate your sovereign responsibility to remain in touch with your core. You use uncertainty and fuzziness as excuses for not taking care of yourself and your business.
Not knowing is different.
Not knowing is active engagement with the mystery
Not-knowing is active engagement in the process of transformation, not blind trust in fate.
And active engagement requires three things:
- Sincere commitment to every stage of the process.
- Skillful attention to the movements of Spirit.
- Reliability.
Sincere commitment doesn’t play favorites
When we sincerely commit to the process of transformation, we say yes to all stages: planting, gestation, growth, and harvest. Each of these stages has its own challenges and graces, and we don’t get to play favorites.
(Well, we can like one more than another. Duh. Still we need to say yes to them all.)
Skillful attention means staying awake
We’ve got to be willing and able to pay attention in order to authentically trust the process.
That means making space for silence, so the whispers of Spirit can get through. (Note to self: Turn off the iPod already.)
It means checking in with trusted confidants to check out your impressions and intuitions.
And it means cultivating multi-sensory awareness, so your imagery, language, emotion, and body sensations can all be heard.
Reliability holds the process together
Reliability means showing up for the process day by day. While none of us is perfect, we all need some degree of consistent practice in order to hold the space of not-knowing in an authentic and creative way.
Reliability isn’t just soldiering through. It’s taking care of yourself. Exercising. Eating well. Sleeping. It may mean designing a support system or structure of accountability to help you stay awake.
You’re allowed to have a life while not knowing
A final word about not knowing. You don’t have to blow up your life in order to transform. While big outer changes may be part of the picture, they often are not. You can stay married. You don’t have to move. It’s okay to leave your web site the way it is and to keep telling people what you’ve been telling them when they ask what you do.
In fact, keeping your hands off your life when you’re in the state of not knowing may be the most important choice you make. It’s when you hold the tension between what is and isn’t known, that something new can be revealed. So let things be as you let the next thing emerge.
What’s your experience with not-knowing?
Where are you in the process of transformation? What skills are you being called to develop? What have you learned that might be useful to others?
Graphic by the sprouts via Flickr
Hi Molly,
Not knowing and acknowledging it is definitely one of the keys to finding the answers you need. I totally understand what you’re saying and how it feels. I went through a similar process myself just last year. The whole process itself took about, well, looking back I would say almost 2 years?
I think it takes courage to share this with others and I think it is wonderful that you do, because I know that you will inspire and encourage others who are going through similar processes.
I wish you all the best and I know that your answers WILL come. You know this yourself, of course, but it can’t hurt sometimes to hear someone else say it to you as well – it helps to keep the faith and to trust that everything will unfold perfectly and divinely timed….
Warmest,
Brigitte
Thank you for that reflection, Brigitte–and also for bringing in the time frame. Two years sounds about right to me!
Bravo. And BRAVO again. I am just coming out of 3 months of deep darks (not knowing) and have been struggling with how to write about it. Imagine my surprise…maybe more delight….when I saw “re-vision” in your opening since that is the word I arrived at to pull together the creation that is growing out of this germination period.
I cannot tell you how absolutely awesome it is to see a coach be vulnerable.
Thank you for the gifts you share with the world!
Thank you, Tammy. I know you will understand when I say that life is an art and that vulnerability is essential to both.
Molly, Thank you for modeling authenticity and vulnerability. This post was exactly what I needed to read today. I too am going through a gestational period. I understand the temptation to collapse, and so your clear admonitions to stay with the process, awake and reliable are very helpful. We are such a product oriented society that it takes courage to be real about process.
I’m glad those distinctions are valuable, Sara. I got so much out of writing this post, not least of which was the reminder to stay engaged with the tension between process and product.
Thanks for this post, Molly — it came at just the right time for me. I’m into my sixth month of having survived a life-threatening illness. The first three months, I was pre-occupied with staying alive. Since then, I’ve been struggling in the not-knowing place, despite the help of a counselor and a very supportive spouse. My frustration level has been so high that I wasn’t able to integrate the idea that something better might be coming in the future.
The new skills I’ve had to develop are to take one day at a time (something I could never do before), to not stress over issues (such as blood test results or treatments) until the results are upon me, to ask for help when I need it, and to treasure every moment spent with loved ones and friends. Looks as if I still need to learn to “just sit with it.”
What I did that might be most useful to others was to create things and situations that would pull me forward into the future. Since my husband, pets, and garden are the most important things in my life, I focused my planning on them. For example, I facilitated a teleconference for my sustainable gardening group two weeks after surgery in January, started my veggie seeds indoors in February, had my husband install a coldframe in March, picked up a 7-week-old puppy in April, bought tickets for two professional meetings scheduled for May, etc. These were not heroic measures, just things I really, really wanted to do.
Lois, what an amazing time for you. Awesome in all the senses of that word. I acknowledge your courage and creativity in creating structures that both keep you in the moment (taking one day at a time) and pull you into the future. Thank you for being such a great example of how to engage with not-knowing.
Well said, Molly – thank you! I call those times of not knowing “the well” where, if done well with the intention and attention you describe, we incubate a new life. Not for the faint of heart! Great blessings to you on your visioning for what wants to emerge. Gail
The well! I love it; thank you.
Molly, I think you have more gifts than many of us in terms of clarity and perspective, and in my life you are a great gift. I applaud your open honesty with the community of where you are (yeah!!!). Your openness in sharing your journey inspires and unlocks a lot for me – it’s one of your characteristics that sets you apart. One of the things you said “keeping your hands off your life when you’re in the state of not knowing may be the most important choice you make” and letting things emerge really resonates with me… When I try to purposefully “re-vision” I feel overwhelmed (tension)… when things emerge, it feels easy (happiness). The trick is to be paying attention and open to shifting my perspective when something or someone inspires a helpful realization – something that I think (from my perspective) you probably do pretty well . I haven’t mastered that attention/perspective thing yet consistently, much less getting there “on demand”, so it’s largely serendipity. I’ve recently realized something about what I do/bring to many of my engagements that’s probably been there for 20 years but is just more clear since a recent consulting experience… so for me, I guess it takes a long time for things to emerge. A lesson in patience and acceptance for me perhaps?
Some shifts take a l-o-n-g time to emerge for me as well. I’d say the current one has been in the works for ten years. No kidding! I look forward to a time when I will have even more perspective on this mysterious and essential process. Meanwhile, I am grateful for the opportunity to shine a little light on the parts of the path I’ve traveled.
Molly:
Great Article. One way I look at this stage is that you have to leave room for the “batik affect.” I discovered this when I studied Batik painting with Sakura Davis. In that medium the die baths have to build up from lightest to darkest. Towards the end you have to think carefully about leaving space for the final bold details to emerge. You can’t really control that process entirely. In other words you have to both make space and “allow” it to happen.
Wonderful image, Donna. I’m going to sit with that for a while!
Thanks for your reminder that being in a state of “not knowing” is not a passive state. I am in a transitional place right now, knowing change is coming, and having no clue what that will look like. It took a while to not feel bad about not knowing, and a bit longer to engage in the process of not knowing…being active in reviewing other times of not knowing, in creating a welcoming space within for what will emerge, in admitting to others that I don’t know what will happen next, and in stopping to breathe periodically to stave off the panic that my controlling self wants to get rolling! It is comforting, Molly, to know that others are in the midst of similar work. Shalom.
Mmmmm. There’s something yummy for me in your comment. Perhaps it’s that you bring in several dimensions of the experience of not-knowing. You are definitely not the only one. It sounds like you are bringing a lot of grace to the process.
I think the absolute hardest thing to do when we don’t know know what to do is nothing. Wait. Listen. Do what we do. Take small steps if they present themselves. Or not. Try to feel the difference between not-knowing and not-doing, and paralysis. Wait. Listen. It can be almost excruciating. To say, “I don’t know,” or “I don’t know how” – we think we should always know. But if we did we’d be omniscient beings, not human beings. Hard to accept!
“Try to feel the difference between not-knowing and not-doing, and paralysis.” Exactly!
Molly, this was such an important post today. Thank you again for being vulnerable. Those times of not-knowing (I’ve been there many times and know I will again) are not easy (as Gail said above, “not for the faint of heart”)–but they inevitably are so fruitful. I see many fascinating comparisons in the comments. The way I see life these days is through the lens of the caterpillar-cocoon-butterfly transformation. And those dark times are definitely like the cocoon. It looks like something is dead. Nothing happening. But in fact, a tremendous amount is happening inside. And soon, a beautiful butterfly emerges. But even after emerging, there’s a process of drying off and preparing to fly. So here’s to your beautiful butterfly, Molly! We’ll all be anxious to see what’s next by way of getting your amazing gifts out into the world. Blessings on the process.
Thank you, Sonia. ♥
Hi, Molly:
My jaw dropped when I read this article early this morning! Someone else knows what I’ve been going through! It has been 18 – 24 months for me so far. I believe (now – much easier to see in retrospect) that it is a leveling-up that I am experiencing. Part of the time has been spent learning how to take care of myself. Part of the time has been learning how to rest in God, to meditate, and learn more about myself.
The greatest toll during this period has been taken on my business. Perhaps I have “caved in” as you describe it. I have dismissed some of my ultra-demanding clients, those I took on before I knew what was good for me. I’ve been unable to secure any new clients. I have been finding new “value” for my self and, ultimately, my services.
Just not sure what those newly valued services will look like, or, as you said, “how this particular flowering wants to look.”
This could be a stall tactic. Perhaps it’s about time for a bold claim?
Your idea for a new course in “Business Vision,” – I like. My background is in theatre. What if your course participants acted in a skit via video that included their objections, their fears, their hold-backs, before sculpting their new vision? Then we could re-record the video with them reading the new script, plugging them into their new business vision? Sounds cool, yes? Do you know what I’m suggesting? This idea just came to me this morning. Let me know if you think it could fit in with what you want to do with “Business Vision.”
I hear you about the changes in one’s business during a time of re-visioning. I’ve several times found that business slowed down. My feeling was that the slow down afforded me the time and space to work through whatever needed working through and to engage with the creative process. What has been important is to allow the business to expand and contract organically and not to shut down or force it.
I’m intrigued by your idea of the “vision videos.” My courses are virtual, so folks would not be able to gather in person. What comes to mind is to invite each participant to record herself talking about her vision before and after a vision quest.
What a great post, Molly. Having lived most of my life as an over-achiever and perfectionist (I like to say that I’m in recovery from both of these, and it’s a one-day-at-a-time deal), not knowing is…well, you know. You said it beautifully in your post. Naturally, it’s worse when you’ve played the role of advisor and expert, and now find yourself having to admit that you don’t know the answers to something you ought to be the greatest expert on: yourself.
Ambiguity has never been my strong suite. I like clear, crisp answers and tangible solutions. Yet I’ve spent the past few years struggling mightily with the kinds of issues your describe above. I particularly appreciate your comment about continuing to have a life while not knowing. This is, after all, the only viable approach, since putting oneself on hold will make no difference to the outcome, but will simply cause more anxiety along the way–and may even slow the process down. Thank you for the note of recognition.ood luck with your own transformation.
Hey Clara! From one recovering over-achieving perfectionist to another, thank you for taking time to stop by. I’ve come to appreciate, even embrace, ambiguity. However, that’s a lot easier to do when certain key pieces of a vision are in place. When they’re not, it’s a lot harder to hold the space for ambiguity, no?
I appreciate the good wishes. Writing this post and reading the replies has been so nourishing.
Thanks for the post on Not Knowing. It has ispired many wonderful comments. Not knowing, is a predecessor to knowing. The saying of a “woman’s intuition”, is another name for a scenario termed
GNOSIS. Spirit connected people are more in tune to this. I wanted to share my work with you.
You stated you are re-visioning your self and your work, My hope for you is, in these words.
VISION by Ed Moore
When you see yourself, in the eyes of others
You see Good
When you find yourself, in the eyes of others
You see better
When you see and find yourself, in the eyes of all
You see God
When you understand this
You see Jesus
AMEN
Thanks for letting me speak with you.
Sinverely, Jay Ed Moore
Ed, what a beautiful poem! Thank you for being here.
I am astounded by how friendly the universe truly is… what synchronicity to read your blog post today.
It has been almost four years of transition – since building and moving into the ancient healing and transformational music center, then breaking down from the exhaustion, the economic melt-down, having up-rooted to a totally foreign community. Not running and sitting in the proverbial mud of darkness was at times excrutiatingly painful, and in the long run, empowering in a rooted and balanced way.
Authentic leadership is self directed. Leaders lead the way. They aren’t followers. That’s what’s scary about leading. You’re in the minority, and vulnerable.
When you’re in that place of not knowing – and fuzzy as to whether you’re going with the flow, or running away from your responsibility, what do you sense would help you most in those times?
1) Re-attunement to your core?
2) Grounding yourself?
3) Rejuvenating exercise?
4) Getting focused and calm?
Years ago when contemplating leaving my corporate career, the US and everything I knew, jumping off the cliff into the unknown felt easier and safer than getting to the end of my life,having “manifested” and “created”, and ‘achieved” goals, but without the deeper anchor of power which comes from living life from a place of being vs. doing.
Molly you are such an inspiration and gift of honest vulnerability. I call that True Leadership. Authentic Leadership. It comes from the inside out. Thanks for being you!
Oh, Eliana, thank you for sharing part of your story. You, too, are a true leader, a way-shower.
I think all four of the practices you name are essential to staying with the process of transition. Sometimes one will be more available than another. For example, re-attunement to your core can feel impossible if the fog is thick! At those times I think that rejuvenating exercise or grounding are helpful. I believe we need to start from where we are and sense into the available sources of support. Sometimes we have to hang out in the fog trusting that support for our next baby step will emerge.
WOW Molly! What a feeling of “coming home”! Your message resonates with me completely, I feel completely on the same wavelength. A few months ago I left my corporate job to follow a new track and have immersed myself in learning about “new world” ways of doing things, which it’s clear to me are completley different from “old world”.
I’m very much in that limbo of waiting to see what sharp, beautiful and colourful image will be formed when the kaleidescope of life comes into focus. I am trusting the process, meeting the fears and the noises around me with open arms and a calm conviction that everything will work out for the best. Meanwhile I am focusing on enjoying every step of the process. Really loving it!
Thanks so much Molly for reassuring me that I’m not alone in the limbo. And thanks too for confirming that it’s wrong to force any outcome. It’s OK to stop and wait for the clarity. I am sure it will come!
Vanessa, you articulate the challenge and rewards of staying with the process of metamorphosis. There truly is much to enjoy when we can set aside the fears and noise. I’m sending you the very best juju!
Hi Molly,
This text touched my heart and I wanted to say that I trust you to dance with the unknown and come in touch with new beauty. I’ve so enjoyed following your journey over the years. I like how you can write about something this big in a way that gives depth and meaning to difficult inner and outer phenomena.
I also laugh because seconds before reading this entry I wrote in my own notes “I wish I could just throw a bomb into my resistance and fear and fly above it all.” Reading your thoughts and recognizing so much gives me a sense of continuity and hope of finding the next step in my own business, without having it all explode
Hi Marie,
I hear you! That desire to “fly above it all” has sometimes cost me a great deal as I’ve sought to avoid the confusion and, sometimes, grief around change. As I read your comment this morning, what came to me is that we can use that impulse to fly above it as an invitation to dive in. Counter-intuitive, but so often exactly what we need to do. Of course, diving in isn’t as straightforward as it sounds. When things are very much in flux, when we are going through a developmental transition, we need to connect to both heaven and earth as well as past, present, and future. We have to hold the tension between not only where we are now (in the fog) and where we wish to be (in the light), but also between instinctual patterns laid down in childhood and the invitation to evolve. I think I have a newsletter topic here!
Thanks so much for being here/
This post truly touched my heart- thank you so very much. My biggest challenge has been refraining from wallowing in shame due to my “not knowing” status. I feel like I SHOULD know. An excruciating corporate client obligation ended in May and the main thing that is clear in my heart and soul is that I do not wish my life to proceed in that fashion ever again- however, the alternative options are less than clear at the moment. I feel much better reading of your time of transition and the other responses here- thank you again for your insightful observations and best wishes.
Hey Molly:
Loved your post and all the comments and your responses. Each one added richness to the conversation and also underscored how common the feeling is. The second of your coping processes: “Skillful attention to the movements of Spirit” strikes me as something we’re least likely to do in the situation. Utter silence is sometimes hard to find in our busy world, and when we do find it, there is a profound peacefulness that comes from simply sitting and listening for God/Spirit to speak. Patient, expectant waiting with no agenda yields undreamed of blessings. Thanks again. love, Shirley
Hi there, Shirley!
Thank you for reading and commenting. Skillful attention to the movements of Spirit is more and more the keystone of my work. It will be interesting to see how it plays out.
Love,
Molly